Hey One and All,
Long time no post. I know that most of the people on here are on MySpace but I refuse to get on to that site. Besides the point.
As included in my last post as of like several months ago, I am still dating Ken. We've been dating for over 10 months now and we've hit some serious snags about the future but I'm hoping that these will work themselves out. Kids. Can you imagine that would be the thing that would put a stopper to anything and everything? I thought that everything was fine at one point in time and then all of a sudden, when things were happening to were a ring was going to be put onto my little finger, he froze. I wanna believe that he got scared. I understand that he has alot on his mind right now. He's going to graduate here in a couple of weeks and he's already gotten some job offers here in Houston. I'm excited for him. He made the decision to stay here in Texas.... because of me. He knew all along what exactly I would come along with for the future. Yet, he was the one that kept up the constant persute. Well, I cant say I didnt make it any easier on him to let me go. And I'm sure you all know that I'm not writing all of this down for yall, I'm writing it down for me because I'm tired of hearing it all over and over again inside my head. In order to let myself have a few hours of sanity, I went out and worked in the lumber yard at work today. I mean, like really worked. I would have made you all proud. I was playing and cracking jokes right along with all the big boys. Anyway, I'm just so damn frustrated with it all. I mean, I know that he'll be a great father and that once it does happen, he'll cherish every moment that he can with our child. I'm not saying that I want a child right now or even in the next few years, but I would like to have one before I'm 30. That means, he's got 9 years. plus the time it takes for the child to grow so basically around 10 years. That's plenty enough time for him to finish law school and finish my schooling, both start our careers and earn up some money and buy all the pretty, shiny, and new things that he and I could want, and then have a baby come into the picture. I understand for someone that's never seen himself having a child in his entire life, for him to meet and girl and after about 11 months of knowing her, all of a sudden change your deep routed childlessness that's been there for the last 30 years but I mean come on. Grow up. Go for something that you're passionate about, live your life to wear it will have meaning to not only yourself but to the community. Embrace the life that can be shared with someone and let the children live in a place of love and hope. Otherwise, why are we born? Why do we live? I'm just so damn frustrated that I'm loosing my mind. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore. All of my friends that I kind of had from high school, they are all gone. Every single one of them. Well, not the ones from San Antonio but those dont count. I'm still good friends with several people down in San Antonio. Some better than others but that comes with time and distance though. The friends that I sort of made there are the community college, which were very few, I'm only friends with like 3. That's it. Three. I have one person that I hang out with like once a month and the others I barely see or talk to. Not a very good friend on my part but it's hard when you are a good hour's drive from them. The one friend that I made at college was my suitemate, a freshman, and I doubt that I'll be seeing much of her when the next school year comes along.
Dont even get me started on school. Me and my mom got started late on all the financial aid stuff and I have no idea when in the hell all that stuff is going to be going thru that I am probably not going to be able to keep my schedule and all that and will have to start from scratch basically. Bleh. Anyway, I figured out how much longer I'm going to have to be in school for. 2 and a half more years. It totally sucks. Unless they offer some classes during next years summer semesters that they didnt this time around. Maybe i'll check into the university center as well. I dont know anymore. I'm just so confused all the time. I know that he has it worse than I do and when I get to that point in time, I will probably be thanking the I will have someone close to my side, I hope, that's been thru it and they can slap me back into reality when I need it.
Gosh, I think I've been typing for at least 30 minutes now. Maybe longer. LoL. Anyway, I think I should get going to bed now seeing that it is like 4:30 in the morning. Those that have my number, feel free to call me.
Lots of Love.
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